It’s been a very long time since I’ve done any updating. A bunch has happens since my last post.
Things have gone much further with Brandon than I had originally expected. We’ve been seeing each other for almost 5 months now and it’s been such an exciting adventure. He is absolutely the sweetest guy and I’ve never been so loved by anyone before. He’s also very cute and tall. Both of which are things I appreciate. It’s very strange that we are together I think. He’s much quieter and more introverted than I am by a great deal. We are very different people but somehow it’s been working for us. Sometimes we bicker about stupid little things but it always ends up making me laugh thinking about it the next day.
He let me read some journal entries of his own today which was very touching. That’s what reminded me that I haven’t written in forever. They went back further than the ones I have here. The first thing he wrote about was his last girlfriend and how sad and upset he was. That made me feel… I’m not really sure. It wasn’t sad or angry or jealous, but it was an unpleasant feeling.
I kept reading the whole time waiting for myself to appear, that sounds self centered I know, because I wanted to see how I impacted this boy’s life. He wrote with such feeling, I had to know how my life affected his. When I got there, I was much more than pleased. He thought very highly of me.
In his next entry, which is the most recent one but definitely not up to date, he talked all about me. The whole thing was about how much he loved me. It made me tear up a bit. He wrote that the day he took me to the airport for the first time. He got up early in the morning so that he could go to the airport with me and he waited there all day for Alex to get off of work and pick him up. He boringed up his day a whole lot just to spend a few extra minutes with me.
That was back in December. Again I find myself in Texas visiting my family. I’m going to Lincoln tomorrow and I’ll be back in Brandon’s arms about 5 o’clock. I can’t wait! I’ve missed him.
Friday night I went over to see Brandon after I got off of work. We had a really nice time snuggling and watching movies. We got to talking and decided that we didn’t want to see other people so I got me a boyfriend now. We went to a Christmas party for his dad’s work at The Grand movie theater downtown. His dad seems like a really nice man, though I only met him briefly. We watched In the Heart of the Sea. There were only two other people in the theater with us which is a huge difference from when we saw the new Hunger Games movie, which was packed with college students on opening night. I really really like this guy. He is incredible. He is the most caring, selfless person. I’ve never had anyone treat me with such respect or care about me so much. I know it’s supposed to be bad to compare relationships, but I’m going to anyway. Sawyer didn’t treat me poorly but he never really sacrificed to put my needs and desires above his own. Brandon spent five hours of his day just to wait to surprise me for for my thirty minute lunch break. That boy would bend over backwards just to make me smile. He is so honest and compassionate and caring. I wasn’t too sure what my feelings were for him for a long time but now I know. I’m really lucky to have him.
I went out again today with Brandon and it was really a lot of fun. We rode the bus around Lincoln and walked around the Hay Market. He is a real gentleman. I had such a good time. He’s really funny and I think I might really be able to like this guy. I’m still getting to know him and so far I think we will get along pretty well. He is quite an interesting person. Quirky enough to be cute but not so quirky that he’s a weirdo. I think I will be seeing him again on my birthday this Saturday. I guess we will see what happens with this one.
I went home for a surprise Halloween visit and I had such a great time! I really miss my family and being with my friends, which basically means Riana and Reuben. I’m not staying here next year. I want to move back home. I’m upset that I moved here. I saw that Sawyer has started seeing another girl which isn’t so bad except that he picked basically the biggest “fuck you” he ever could have picked. I’m extremely upset about that but I guess its good because what he did is so messed up I don’t ever want him back.
It’s almost my birthday. Like the rest of this year it’s probably going to be the shittiest one yet. It’s really weird to think about being twenty. I don’t feel that old. Christine said that if I moved back home we could get a house together. I think I would really like that. She’s such a good sister. We would have a fun time I think. I shouldn’t have gone home because now I’m so unhappy here. But I have a second date on Saturday which is nice I guess. Hopefully that isn’t so bad.
But for now I’m going to stop listening to sad music and try to go to sleep because I have to be up early for work. Fun as always,
I feel sad today. I miss my family and my friends. I want to go home. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I get so lonely. I shouldn’t have come here. I wanted to stay close to Sawyer, and then when we broke up I had already made a commitment to live with Kaitlin and it wouldn’t have been fair to leave her hanging on such short notice. I thought this was going to be an adventure. I thought I would have fun and make a lot of friends. I haven’t really made any friends and I feel like a burden to the ones I do have. I guess this is going to be a growing and learning experience for me though if nothing else. I do really appreciate my family now. I want to go home. I don’t think Sawyer really wants to even be friends and I’m really giving up hope that he will ever love me again. It’s just so hard because we never talked about why we broke up. I don’t have any closure and I miss him. I miss my old life. I pretend to like being here but I don’t. It sucks. I’ve never felt this alone before in my life. I just want things to go back to the way they were.
My roommate and her boyfriend constantly joke/nag that the other doesn’t love them enough or if they loved them they would do blah blah blah. I know they don’t really mean it but it sucks because when they say, “you don’t even love me” they are taking lightly something that hurts so much. I’m the one that loves someone who actually doesn’t love me back. They don’t get it.
I used to have a journal where I would record my dreams that I had in the night. Then I got lazy and stopped writing them down and have a hard time remembering them now. I’ve decided that I’m going to get back into it and so I will try to have some dream entries starting pretty soon.
I haven’t posted in a few days. Don’t have any pressing news or stories. I’ve basically just been working. My new job is pretty good. I’m making some new friends there. Heaven knows I need them right now! I thought about Sawyer a lot today but I’m getting better at suppressing the urge to try to communicate. It really sucks. One day maybe we can be friends again. Who knows…
I don’t have anything in particular to write about tonight. Maybe I should explain more about my first two posts. I wrote those because I had been reminded of the events that happened almost a year ago. A lot has changed since then. I did end up dating Sawyer. I went over to his house a lot and got really close to his family. I grew to love them all so much. I especially fell in love with his mother. She was like a mom to me and always treated me so kindly. I loved going over there because its like they were my family when mine was so far away. I felt like I had two new brothers and a sister. We had a lot of really great times together and I’m sure I will write about some of them later. During the summer Sawyer came to visit me in Texas while I was home for a few days and I went back to Lincoln with him to join his family on a trip to Yellowstone. I had missed him so much while we were apart and it was just so good to be back with him. After I flew back home for the rest of the summer things were different. Before we would fall asleep talking on skype, but after I got back Sawyer really pulled away from me. I was confused about what had caused it and thought that maybe it was just a moody phase he was going through. I waited it out for a week, two weeks, three weeks. But after a while I got upset that he never seemed to want to talk to me. It really hurt because I felt like I had done something wrong but I knew I hadn’t. I still blamed myself and spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I could make him want to talk to me again. I also had a lot to figure out with what I was going to do with my life for the next year. I was trying to find an apartment and a job in a state 12 hours away. I wasn’t sure really what I was going to do once the summer ended. The stress of that plus feeling worried about my relationship was too much to deal with at on time so I asked Sawyer if we could take a break for a few days so I could sort some things out. He agreed and we didn’t talk. It was the first time in a long time that summer that I didn’t cry. I didn’t have to worry about getting rejected when asking to have a conversation and it was a relief. After a couple of days he texted me and said he was done with the break and wanted to resume the relationship. I was really excited because I thought that meant that he wanted to talk to me again. But things picked up right where they left off. I texted and asked him if he still loved me and he told me that he didn’t know. Reading that response gave me one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt. I was so hurt and frustrated and angry with Sawyer. I tolerated it for a few more weeks, hoping that I could make it through the summer and that somehow things would be different when I got back to Nebraska. But it became unbearable and all I wanted to do was break up. I was very unhappy. But I didn’t do it. I didn’t want our friends to be upset with me and think I was the bad guy for breaking up with him. I don’t have a lot of friends here to begin with and I didn’t want to lose the very few that I did have. So I just gave up trying to talk to him at all. The next day he called me and we broke up. Again it was a relief not having to worry about him. After it finally happened, I didn’t cry one more tear. I think in the back of my mind I still thought that things would be different once I moved to Lincoln. My first night here I cried myself to sleep. It hit me so hard seeing this town and knowing Sawyer was so close and I couldn’t be with him. I knew things wouldn’t be the same again. I felt so lonely. I cried a lot thinking about everything I was missing out on. I still cry sometimes, but not as often or as much. Even though he stopped loving me I never stopped loving him. That’s what makes everything so hard. I am still in love him.
I was nervous about flying home by myself. The airlines called me at four in the morning saying my flight was delayed; which wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t catching a ride with Sawyer, the new boy I liked. He had classes to go to and I didn’t want him to miss any to do me a favor. I knew he was probably asleep but I sent him a quick text explaining my situation. Surprisingly he responded back very quickly. After a bit of back and forth it turned out that he could still take me to the airport. I couldn’t sleep because I was so nervous about the trip. So we waited until we were allowed to leave the dorms in the mornings and we drove to get doughnuts. Sawyer took me to the lake and we found a bench to eat and watch the sun rise. It was a beautiful October day. We talked for a long time. I found out that he was red/green color blind but that his favorite color was red because of the irony. He told me more about his family. I told him about mine. Once the sun was up we moved from the bench closer to the water to toss pebbles into the lake. There were larger rocks near the edge and we balanced on them as we walked along the shore. Sawyer was watching me cautiously and reached out to try to steady me. He said he would catch me. I giggled and told him that I wasn’t going to fall in. Not thirty seconds after I said that, I stepped on a wobbly rock and went butt first into the lake. I sat there not knowing what to do but laugh. I was embarrassed and poor Sawyer didn’t know what to do. He didn’t laugh. He offered me his hand. After I got up I told him it was ok to laugh, and he did. I asked him why he didn’t catch me wen he said he was going. Apparently my saying I wasn’t going to fall meant I didn’t need any help. He was really nice about the whole thing but I felt bad about getting into his car and putting my wet butt on his seat. He took me back to my room so I could change and grab my suitcase. We made the drive to the airport and it was such a nice ride. We talked and listened to music. He dropped me off at the door and grabbed my luggage out of the trunk. I hugged him and thanked him for the ride. When I got home I got all of the normal first year college student questions. Sometimes they asked about the school, my grades, the food, but always a question about boys. My response was, “No I don’t have a boyfriend… yet.” Because it was after that day that I knew I was going to love that boy.