the end of that chapter

I don’t have anything in particular to write about tonight. Maybe I should explain more about my first two posts. I wrote those because I had been reminded of the events that happened almost a year ago. A lot has changed since then. I did end up dating Sawyer. I went over to his house a lot and got really close to his family. I grew to love them all so much. I especially fell in love with his mother. She was like a mom to me and always treated me so kindly. I loved going over there because its like they were my family when mine was so far away. I felt like I had two new brothers and a sister. We had a lot of really great times together and I’m sure I will write about some of them later. During the summer Sawyer came to visit me in Texas while I was home for a few days and I went back to Lincoln with him to join his family on a trip to Yellowstone. I had missed him so much while we were apart and it was just so good to be back with him. After I flew back home for the rest of the summer things were different. Before we would fall asleep talking on skype, but after I got back Sawyer really pulled away from me. I was confused about what had caused it and thought that maybe it was just a moody phase he was going through. I waited it out for a week, two weeks, three weeks. But after a while I got upset that he never seemed to want to talk to me. It really hurt because I felt like I had done something wrong but I knew I hadn’t. I still blamed myself and spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I could make him want to talk to me again. I also had a lot to figure out with what I was going to do with my life for the next year. I was trying to find an apartment and a job in a state 12 hours away. I wasn’t sure really what I was going to do once the summer ended. The stress of that plus feeling worried about my relationship was too much to deal with at on time so I asked Sawyer if we could take a break for a few days so I could sort some things out. He agreed and we didn’t talk. It was the first time in a long time that summer that I didn’t cry. I didn’t have to worry about getting rejected when asking to have a conversation and it was a relief. After a couple of days he texted me and said he was done with the break and wanted to resume the relationship. I was really excited because I thought that meant that he wanted to talk to me again. But things picked up right where they left off. I texted and asked him if he still loved me and he told me that he didn’t know. Reading that response gave me one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt. I was so hurt and frustrated and angry with Sawyer. I tolerated it for a few more weeks, hoping that I could make it through the summer and that somehow things would be different when I got back to Nebraska. But it became unbearable and all I wanted to do was break up. I was very unhappy. But I didn’t do it. I didn’t want our friends to be upset with me and think I was the bad guy for breaking up with him. I don’t have a lot of friends here to begin with and I didn’t want to lose the very few that I did have. So I just gave up trying to talk to him at all. The next day he called me and we broke up. Again it was a relief not having to worry about him. After it finally happened, I didn’t cry one more tear. I think in the back of my mind I still thought that things would be different once I moved to Lincoln. My first night here I cried myself to sleep. It hit me so hard seeing this town and knowing Sawyer was so close and I couldn’t be with him. I knew things wouldn’t be the same again. I felt so lonely. I cried a lot thinking about everything I was missing out on. I still cry sometimes, but not as often or as much. Even though he stopped loving me I never stopped loving him. That’s what makes everything so hard. I am still in love him.

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