halloween weekend

I went home for a surprise Halloween visit and I had such a great time! I really miss my family and being with my friends, which basically means Riana and Reuben. I’m not staying here next year. I want to move back home. I’m upset that I moved here. I saw that Sawyer has started seeing another girl which isn’t so bad except that he picked basically the biggest “fuck you” he ever could have picked. I’m extremely upset about that but I guess its good because what he did is so messed up I don’t ever want him back.
It’s almost my birthday. Like the rest of this year it’s probably going to be the shittiest one yet. It’s really weird to think about being twenty. I don’t feel that old. Christine said that if I moved back home we could get a house together. I think I would really like that. She’s such a good sister. We would have a fun time I think. I shouldn’t have gone home because now I’m so unhappy here. But I have a second date on Saturday which is nice I guess. Hopefully that isn’t so bad.
But for now I’m going to stop listening to sad music and try to go to sleep because I have to be up early for work. Fun as always,

homesick

I feel sad today. I miss my family and my friends. I want to go home. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I get so lonely. I shouldn’t have come here. I wanted to stay close to Sawyer, and then when we broke up I had already made a commitment to live with Kaitlin and it wouldn’t have been fair to leave her hanging on such short notice. I thought this was going to be an adventure. I thought I would have fun and make a lot of friends. I haven’t really made any friends and I feel like a burden to the ones I do have. I guess this is going to be a growing and learning experience for me though if nothing else. I do really appreciate my family now. I want to go home. I don’t think Sawyer really wants to even be friends and I’m really giving up hope that he will ever love me again. It’s just so hard because we never talked about why we broke up. I don’t have any closure and I miss him. I miss my old life. I pretend to like being here but I don’t. It sucks. I’ve never felt this alone before in my life. I just want things to go back to the way they were.

“you don’t even love me”

My roommate and her boyfriend constantly joke/nag that the other doesn’t love them enough or if they loved them they would do blah blah blah. I know they don’t really mean it but it sucks because when they say, “you don’t even love me” they are taking lightly something that hurts so much. I’m the one that loves someone who actually doesn’t love me back. They don’t get it.

the end of that chapter

I don’t have anything in particular to write about tonight. Maybe I should explain more about my first two posts. I wrote those because I had been reminded of the events that happened almost a year ago. A lot has changed since then. I did end up dating Sawyer. I went over to his house a lot and got really close to his family. I grew to love them all so much. I especially fell in love with his mother. She was like a mom to me and always treated me so kindly. I loved going over there because its like they were my family when mine was so far away. I felt like I had two new brothers and a sister. We had a lot of really great times together and I’m sure I will write about some of them later. During the summer Sawyer came to visit me in Texas while I was home for a few days and I went back to Lincoln with him to join his family on a trip to Yellowstone. I had missed him so much while we were apart and it was just so good to be back with him. After I flew back home for the rest of the summer things were different. Before we would fall asleep talking on skype, but after I got back Sawyer really pulled away from me. I was confused about what had caused it and thought that maybe it was just a moody phase he was going through. I waited it out for a week, two weeks, three weeks. But after a while I got upset that he never seemed to want to talk to me. It really hurt because I felt like I had done something wrong but I knew I hadn’t. I still blamed myself and spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I could make him want to talk to me again. I also had a lot to figure out with what I was going to do with my life for the next year. I was trying to find an apartment and a job in a state 12 hours away. I wasn’t sure really what I was going to do once the summer ended. The stress of that plus feeling worried about my relationship was too much to deal with at on time so I asked Sawyer if we could take a break for a few days so I could sort some things out. He agreed and we didn’t talk. It was the first time in a long time that summer that I didn’t cry. I didn’t have to worry about getting rejected when asking to have a conversation and it was a relief. After a couple of days he texted me and said he was done with the break and wanted to resume the relationship. I was really excited because I thought that meant that he wanted to talk to me again. But things picked up right where they left off. I texted and asked him if he still loved me and he told me that he didn’t know. Reading that response gave me one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt. I was so hurt and frustrated and angry with Sawyer. I tolerated it for a few more weeks, hoping that I could make it through the summer and that somehow things would be different when I got back to Nebraska. But it became unbearable and all I wanted to do was break up. I was very unhappy. But I didn’t do it. I didn’t want our friends to be upset with me and think I was the bad guy for breaking up with him. I don’t have a lot of friends here to begin with and I didn’t want to lose the very few that I did have. So I just gave up trying to talk to him at all. The next day he called me and we broke up. Again it was a relief not having to worry about him. After it finally happened, I didn’t cry one more tear. I think in the back of my mind I still thought that things would be different once I moved to Lincoln. My first night here I cried myself to sleep. It hit me so hard seeing this town and knowing Sawyer was so close and I couldn’t be with him. I knew things wouldn’t be the same again. I felt so lonely. I cried a lot thinking about everything I was missing out on. I still cry sometimes, but not as often or as much. Even though he stopped loving me I never stopped loving him. That’s what makes everything so hard. I am still in love him.