I went home for a surprise Halloween visit and I had such a great time! I really miss my family and being with my friends, which basically means Riana and Reuben. I’m not staying here next year. I want to move back home. I’m upset that I moved here. I saw that Sawyer has started seeing another girl which isn’t so bad except that he picked basically the biggest “fuck you” he ever could have picked. I’m extremely upset about that but I guess its good because what he did is so messed up I don’t ever want him back.
It’s almost my birthday. Like the rest of this year it’s probably going to be the shittiest one yet. It’s really weird to think about being twenty. I don’t feel that old. Christine said that if I moved back home we could get a house together. I think I would really like that. She’s such a good sister. We would have a fun time I think. I shouldn’t have gone home because now I’m so unhappy here. But I have a second date on Saturday which is nice I guess. Hopefully that isn’t so bad.
But for now I’m going to stop listening to sad music and try to go to sleep because I have to be up early for work. Fun as always,
I feel sad today. I miss my family and my friends. I want to go home. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I get so lonely. I shouldn’t have come here. I wanted to stay close to Sawyer, and then when we broke up I had already made a commitment to live with Kaitlin and it wouldn’t have been fair to leave her hanging on such short notice. I thought this was going to be an adventure. I thought I would have fun and make a lot of friends. I haven’t really made any friends and I feel like a burden to the ones I do have. I guess this is going to be a growing and learning experience for me though if nothing else. I do really appreciate my family now. I want to go home. I don’t think Sawyer really wants to even be friends and I’m really giving up hope that he will ever love me again. It’s just so hard because we never talked about why we broke up. I don’t have any closure and I miss him. I miss my old life. I pretend to like being here but I don’t. It sucks. I’ve never felt this alone before in my life. I just want things to go back to the way they were.
My roommate and her boyfriend constantly joke/nag that the other doesn’t love them enough or if they loved them they would do blah blah blah. I know they don’t really mean it but it sucks because when they say, “you don’t even love me” they are taking lightly something that hurts so much. I’m the one that loves someone who actually doesn’t love me back. They don’t get it.
I used to have a journal where I would record my dreams that I had in the night. Then I got lazy and stopped writing them down and have a hard time remembering them now. I’ve decided that I’m going to get back into it and so I will try to have some dream entries starting pretty soon.
I haven’t posted in a few days. Don’t have any pressing news or stories. I’ve basically just been working. My new job is pretty good. I’m making some new friends there. Heaven knows I need them right now! I thought about Sawyer a lot today but I’m getting better at suppressing the urge to try to communicate. It really sucks. One day maybe we can be friends again. Who knows…
I don’t have anything in particular to write about tonight. Maybe I should explain more about my first two posts. I wrote those because I had been reminded of the events that happened almost a year ago. A lot has changed since then. I did end up dating Sawyer. I went over to his house a lot and got really close to his family. I grew to love them all so much. I especially fell in love with his mother. She was like a mom to me and always treated me so kindly. I loved going over there because its like they were my family when mine was so far away. I felt like I had two new brothers and a sister. We had a lot of really great times together and I’m sure I will write about some of them later. During the summer Sawyer came to visit me in Texas while I was home for a few days and I went back to Lincoln with him to join his family on a trip to Yellowstone. I had missed him so much while we were apart and it was just so good to be back with him. After I flew back home for the rest of the summer things were different. Before we would fall asleep talking on skype, but after I got back Sawyer really pulled away from me. I was confused about what had caused it and thought that maybe it was just a moody phase he was going through. I waited it out for a week, two weeks, three weeks. But after a while I got upset that he never seemed to want to talk to me. It really hurt because I felt like I had done something wrong but I knew I hadn’t. I still blamed myself and spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I could make him want to talk to me again. I also had a lot to figure out with what I was going to do with my life for the next year. I was trying to find an apartment and a job in a state 12 hours away. I wasn’t sure really what I was going to do once the summer ended. The stress of that plus feeling worried about my relationship was too much to deal with at on time so I asked Sawyer if we could take a break for a few days so I could sort some things out. He agreed and we didn’t talk. It was the first time in a long time that summer that I didn’t cry. I didn’t have to worry about getting rejected when asking to have a conversation and it was a relief. After a couple of days he texted me and said he was done with the break and wanted to resume the relationship. I was really excited because I thought that meant that he wanted to talk to me again. But things picked up right where they left off. I texted and asked him if he still loved me and he told me that he didn’t know. Reading that response gave me one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt. I was so hurt and frustrated and angry with Sawyer. I tolerated it for a few more weeks, hoping that I could make it through the summer and that somehow things would be different when I got back to Nebraska. But it became unbearable and all I wanted to do was break up. I was very unhappy. But I didn’t do it. I didn’t want our friends to be upset with me and think I was the bad guy for breaking up with him. I don’t have a lot of friends here to begin with and I didn’t want to lose the very few that I did have. So I just gave up trying to talk to him at all. The next day he called me and we broke up. Again it was a relief not having to worry about him. After it finally happened, I didn’t cry one more tear. I think in the back of my mind I still thought that things would be different once I moved to Lincoln. My first night here I cried myself to sleep. It hit me so hard seeing this town and knowing Sawyer was so close and I couldn’t be with him. I knew things wouldn’t be the same again. I felt so lonely. I cried a lot thinking about everything I was missing out on. I still cry sometimes, but not as often or as much. Even though he stopped loving me I never stopped loving him. That’s what makes everything so hard. I am still in love him.
I was nervous about flying home by myself. The airlines called me at four in the morning saying my flight was delayed; which wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t catching a ride with Sawyer, the new boy I liked. He had classes to go to and I didn’t want him to miss any to do me a favor. I knew he was probably asleep but I sent him a quick text explaining my situation. Surprisingly he responded back very quickly. After a bit of back and forth it turned out that he could still take me to the airport. I couldn’t sleep because I was so nervous about the trip. So we waited until we were allowed to leave the dorms in the mornings and we drove to get doughnuts. Sawyer took me to the lake and we found a bench to eat and watch the sun rise. It was a beautiful October day. We talked for a long time. I found out that he was red/green color blind but that his favorite color was red because of the irony. He told me more about his family. I told him about mine. Once the sun was up we moved from the bench closer to the water to toss pebbles into the lake. There were larger rocks near the edge and we balanced on them as we walked along the shore. Sawyer was watching me cautiously and reached out to try to steady me. He said he would catch me. I giggled and told him that I wasn’t going to fall in. Not thirty seconds after I said that, I stepped on a wobbly rock and went butt first into the lake. I sat there not knowing what to do but laugh. I was embarrassed and poor Sawyer didn’t know what to do. He didn’t laugh. He offered me his hand. After I got up I told him it was ok to laugh, and he did. I asked him why he didn’t catch me wen he said he was going. Apparently my saying I wasn’t going to fall meant I didn’t need any help. He was really nice about the whole thing but I felt bad about getting into his car and putting my wet butt on his seat. He took me back to my room so I could change and grab my suitcase. We made the drive to the airport and it was such a nice ride. We talked and listened to music. He dropped me off at the door and grabbed my luggage out of the trunk. I hugged him and thanked him for the ride. When I got home I got all of the normal first year college student questions. Sometimes they asked about the school, my grades, the food, but always a question about boys. My response was, “No I don’t have a boyfriend… yet.” Because it was after that day that I knew I was going to love that boy.
I guess getting started is the hardest part. Here it goes.
I met Sawyer last year at the start of college football season (go Huskers). I saw him, a friend of a friend, looking for a place to sit at church. I didn’t really know him very well. All I knew was one day we walked out of class and he asked me how I thought I did on the quiz we had taken. I thought that was a nice gesture so I extended an invitation to sit with me and a few others thinking he would wave it off and say he was fine. But he accepted and sat next to me, whispered things about football, and asked me over to watch a game at his house later that day. I’m really not much of a football fan but I accepted. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. At least I thought I had until we had parted ways and I was walking back to my dorm room. I then realized I had given him the first three digits of my current number, the middle three of my previous number, and my current four to end. I was so embarrassed. Thankfully my roommate went to academy with him and so I got his number from her, explained, and apologized. Now one thing people know me for, is for being crazy about Mustangs. I always have been. When he picked me up later that day I knew that he was my kind of guy. He had the sexiest red Mustang with a deep, throaty rumble. Thank you Henry Ford. We went to his beautiful, magazine worthy home and went downstairs to watch some football. His entire family was there. His two brothers, his mom, his dad, his uncle, a cousin and his wife, and a grandmother. It was very overwhelming. Thankfully our friend Matthew, who is the only reason I knew of Sawyer’s existence, was there and he smiled and said hi. I didn’t say much until the game was over and everyone left. Sawyer took me out and let me drive his amazing car. I mentioned that I needed a ride to the airport to go back home for my grandma’s funeral, because I really did need a ride, but mostly because I wanted to see him again and I knew I could get a good hour of time with him on the way from Lincoln to Omaha. He offered right away saying he got up at 4 in the morning all the time. I went up to my room and excitedly told my friends all about my night.